It's been a rough week for me, I don't know why I've been affected the way I have of news of two deaths of loved ones of people I know, but I have, and very deeply at that. An old friend of mine lost her 3 1/2 yr old little boy last week. I don't know how one deals with that, I don't know that I could. We were best friends for many years and at one time in my life we were sister-in-laws. I haven't seen her in over 6 years and I never met this little boy of hers. But the news hit me like a ton of bricks! It really put me into a funk for days. I just can't even imagine... It makes me think of how precious life is and that we all have a time to go, and we don't get to decide when that is. I pray that I never have to bury any of my babies...
Another very dear friend of mine lost his wife yesterday after a very long battle with cancer. I also never met her, which is why I guess it's a little strange to me why I'm so emotional over the news of both of them passing? The only thing I can figure is because of my deep love for these friends. I grieve for them and for their loss. And not necessarily the person who is actually gone. It's a helpless feeling knowing someone is hurting so deeply and there's nothing you can do to make it better. It's one I've come across more times in my life than I care for. I guess for me, being a person who likes the false perception of control, these types of things in life throw me into a tail spin. I am getting better though, I have learned (and not always willingly) to let go. Sometimes there is no other choice when it is more painful to fight a losing battle then to just put up my white flag, and hope that I can in someway take something away from my experience.
I've been thinking a lot lately of what it is I think is the "right way" for a lot of things in my life. But I also have been questioning where the origin of these "ideals" have come from. Why I get so sucked in to negative thinking and feeling inadequate in most areas of my life. Who's standard am I trying to live up to anyway? And where did they come from? I have all these thoughts in my head, I'm not a good enough mom, I'm not a good enough wife, I'm not a good enough, daughter, sister, friend.... The only person who says I'm not good enough is ME. How is it that everyone in my life can tell me how great I am, but I don't believe it? Why isn't my good, good enough for me? Why do I continue to look at what I haven't done, what I didn't say, what I didn't do... Does everyone do that? I know I'm not the only one, I just wonder just how common that is. Not that it matters, maybe I just want to feel like I'm no the only one who feels like a crazy person lives inside my head. Sometimes I catch myself (my crazy self) saying something inside my head and I stop and say "who is that"? That's not me, that's not who I want to be... where did I go? I'm almost 34 and I still don't feel like I have anything figured out. But at least I'm trying.... I guess.
Balance is a BIG thing I'm wrestling with these days... It is my nemesis. These are the things I have to balance: Work, house, yard, kids, dogs, husband, family, friends, church, and me. I didn't necessarily put these in order of importance, but I am usually always the last on my own list. I realize that most moms are, and I'm not saying I have it any different then everyone else out there. I also realize that it's my own willing sacrifice for my family, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My only issue is when I try to adjust the balance to make more time for me, I end up feeling SO guilty about the extra time away from everything else, it eats at me. And I think I have it better than a lot of moms do out there because I have a willing husband who picks up the slack without ever complaining. Which also eats at me, not the not complaining part, just him picking up my slack. Which brings me back to the false ideal of I have to do it all. I get caught up of how I used to be and what I used to do, (back when I could do everything and I didn't need anybody) but I'm NOT WHO I USED TO BE! And I am so glad that I'm not.
My journey has made me who I am, the path has been long and hard and I know by no means is it even close to over! I just want to find a way to enjoy the journey, and KNOW, and BELIEVE that my best is good enough. I want to be better in every way, and know that I'm okay just the way I am! Now that's not such a tall order is it?
Love to all ~ A
