Please excuse our mess we're renovating!

While I was driving home tonight, I was trying to think of what phrase would best explain my life right now, and this is what popped into my head. I have to admit I laughed, obviously there's some part of me that is right on the money! 
And I love how it says "we're" as in my multiple personalities. LOL

While searching for this photo, I also found this one which is totally applicable too. :0)

My mind is a mess right now. Trying to make changes always brings messes, and messes bring stress, and stress makes it near impossible to change! It's a vicious cycle... Being an emotional eater is a bitch to kick! I don't even know how to deal with stress without food (sugar). The last time I was at my ideal weight was 11 years ago when I was a smoker, and obviously smoking, instead of eating. Pick your poison eh? I must have missed that key developmental phase where you learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. I have to admit the odds were against me from the beginning, but I'm not giving up on myself yet. I have the desire, and the will power, I think... the knowledge is there, so what is it that I'm missing? There's this trigger inside of me when "stress" (what ever it may be) causes me to throw out any commitment, will power, goal, or plan I have. It's stupid! It's like a brain override. Once my stress hits a certain level something else takes over, just long enough to do it's damage and leave me in the dumps feeling like a failure. :0(

How to I remove the switch, so I  have control over me again? How do I learn to cope? I'm on the verge of crying every damn day when I don't medicate with food. And I don't know what to do with my emotions, so they all build up and I self destruct. And that isn't going to work! I will try anything that might really work! Okay, almost anything. I'm talking in a not self medicating way. 

"A healthy emotional well being "

I've been playing with the idea of medication to help with my obsessive thinking, but I can't bring myself to put chemicals in my body when it's something, I feel, can be fixed without them. I just don't know how. I know it's the easy way out and I don't really want to take it. But for my sanity and the well being of everyone around me, it's still on the table. :P

Can I train my brain to think a different way? Or am I wired to be the way I am? Can I train my emotions too? If so, do I have what it takes to do it? This journey is a hard one, I know I am here to do hard things and have trials. Everyone is. We're not here for it to be easy. That is one thing I learned this past year. Now that I realize that, I can at least deal with it head on. It's suppose to be hard. It wouldn't be a test if it wasn't. Right? But this whole mastering my emotions and thoughts is really, really, really, really, hard! And I haven't figured it out yet. And that is super frustrating to me. Especially because I feel that I have a lot of  knowledge that could help me do it. 

Knowing and doing are two entirely different things...

As I explained to my friend (D) the other day. I'm a broken record with that needle that just keeps skipping back to the same spot over and over and over again. I need to figure out how to pick up the needle and move it to the next line so I can move forward.

I tend to feel guilty when I blog and I'm complaining and whining about being stuck in my own head. Only because I have so much that I am grateful for. I really do have an amazing life, outside of my own head. I have the best family and friends anyone could ask for, and I'm blessed beyond measure in every way! And I know that. I can't imagine how much harder this battle would be for me if I didn't have all the good wonderful things in my life too. I'll take the good with the bad and try to make the "bad", better. At least the stuff I have control over, and the stuff I don't...... well that's something I'm still working on. 

Life is Good

Some days it's frustrating

Taking time for myself is hard to do, but I'm worth it

Life is what I make it, 

and some days I don't know what the hell I'm making

I know that most things in life don't really matter (eternally)

The only person who gets in my way is me

I know that someday I will "get it"

I hope it's soon.....

Love to all ~ A

Broken or not broken...... that is the question?

Where to start.....? 


AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH


I have so much pent up emotion, I don't know what to do with it anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like a crazy person, going the rounds with the same emotions and issues in my head, day after day, after day! I seriously wonder if everyone deals with this?  Or if I really am one of the "crazies"?  Why is it so hard to get out of my own head? Maybe I have an obsessive thought disorder? Is there such a thing? Do they make a pill for it? Because I am seriously done! I feel like I'm on the brink of an emotional eruption and I'm going to bust into tears at any moment, and that's not me.  I hate crying! The only thing I hate worse than crying is puking! So that tells you how much I NO like it. I'm not the kind of person who can have a cry and come out of it with a little giggle, smile, and sigh of relief. No, I am the full on, bawl my head off, sound like a howling wolf, cough until I almost puke, pop the capillaries in my face, eyes swollen shut and rubbed raw kind of crier. Hence.... why I don't go there. :P   I feel it in my throat right now, but I will fight it to the death! It never really makes me feel better anyway..... All I end up with is a headache, an emotional hangover and a face that matches.  Does crying make anyone really feel better....?


Any who.... there is something deep down in the underwriting of my brain that says feeling is bad. And I guess to some degree consciously I believe that. Feelings for the most part in my life have been painful and not ones I want to feel.  So I avoid them, which is the reason why I am where I am. But I don't know how to change it.... Strange to be in a position where logically I know what the problem is and emotionally stuck to do anything about it. I was thinking about this on the way home from work today. I was thinking about all the books I've read on how to be better, change, heal, move on, etc etc etc. So, if I've read all of these books I should be fixed right? Yeah, that's what I thought.... WTHeck? Where is the disconnect?  Because logically and educationally I should be a marriage and family expert with the body of a personal trainer! If it were only that easy... And so now I'm on this kick of, who says there's anything wrong with me? Why can't I just BE ME!? Why do I need all of these books to tell me who, and how I'm "suppose" to be?  I'm SO tired of trying to fix myself...... I think that may be what is driving me crazy! Maybe, just maybe me trying to fix something that isn't broken is the problem. Now there's some food for thought..... 

Nah, I know I'm broken..... Ha ha ha ha. And the only reason I know that is because I'm not happy. Lately I've had a few happy days and this has given me hope for the future. I honestly thought my days of personal happiness might be long gone. I love how I totally try to bullshit myself in the above paragraphs though. Pretty convincing eh? 


How to be me......AND be happy... Hmmmmmmm, now there's the real  question. How do I be me, and do the things I need to do for myself, and be happy? How do I figure out how to let myself feel my feelings? It's like trying to convince a kid who hates to eat broccoli to eat it, and love it! I just don't see it happening, just imagine trying to force feed a kid broccoli..... see? Not so bueno.... Maybe I'm going to have to find an alternative solution, like putting broccoli in a fruit smoothie. All the benefits of broccoli without even knowing it. Camouflaged by the deliciousness of fruit, so you don't even know it's there.  (and just for the record I love broccoli ;0) How do I find an alternative way of actually feeling and dealing with the emotions that I don't want to have anything to do with? 


Somedays I wonder if I'll ever get to the place (figuratively) that I want to be? Will my head, shoulders, neck, stomach and heartaches ever go away? The more I go though life the more I wonder. The way I see it is I've been at it a lot longer than most people my age and I still have no idea what I'm doing.  Obviously what I'm doing isn't working. And I feel like every time I try to live in the moment, and feel my feelings, shit happens! It's like I've lived in a cave for the last 30 years and I step out into the sunlight and it's all too much for me to deal with, and I get burned. 
I don't like it! 


Feelings......   }:0|




Love to all ~ A

Shift in thinking...

This is my shift in thinking today....


I've decided that I'm just not going to invest energy into the people and things that bring me down. There's nothing I can do about them anyway, except I can choose how I feel about them, and whether or not to give them any thought, or only positive thoughts for that matter. Today was a very unusual day for me. Unusual in the fact that usually when I have a major stressful event happen the night before I am so angry! There were a few moments of anger today, but mostly thoughtfulness, calm, and peace. It's a weird place to be in, I kind of like it actually. It beats being mad. It allowed me to communicate my feelings and points of view with objectiveness and honesty. I've decide that I am better to spend my time cherishing my AMAZING husband who has, and will always stand beside me, NO MATTER WHAT!  That is something I've never had before, and the kids have a father who is never letting them go!  And if that was the only good I had in my life, it would be enough...


Today was filled with so many tender mercies. And I am so grateful! Grateful for them and the ability to recognize them. I am a music girl, music speaks to me and it has an huge influence on me. My best friend (J) always says to me when I leave her house and I'm upset: "don't listen to angry music on the way home". She knows.... As I left work today my mom called and asked if I could come over and help her real quick. So I did, I talked to her about the previous nights events and how I was feeling about it. My mom always has good advice, well I don't know that I would call it advice, maybe direction is a better way of saying it. She said "have you read your blessing lately?" I said "no" and she suggested I read it. As I got into my car I selected my "inspirational" play list for the ride home. It's not one I normally choose, especially for he commute home. Usually it's hip hop, rap, hard rock, punk, and pop music. Just the stuff to breed enough road rage to get me home in one piece. :0)  Have you ever heard of random openings? Well it's when you randomly open the scriptures and read. I do it sometimes and almost always read something that I really need. Well, I had a random "listening" today. As my ipod began to play the first song I was transported into another realm. I felt so peaceful.... as this song repeated over and over that Because He Lives everything is going to be alright! It doesn't matter what happens in this life, it doesn't matter that I don't feel adequate, it doesn't matter that I don't have the answer for everything...... it is going to be okay. And I have to say that's the first time in almost 3 years that I've felt that way. I finally was able to remember and spiritually connect with the eternal truth that Because He Lives, I will live too, through anything! And that I'm never, never, never, alone...... I am grateful for music that speaks eternal truths to my heart when my head is so boggled up that I forget them.


It was great to come home and be happy, happy to see my babies and my adoring husband. To not have that angry contention that usually comes home with me. It felt good! I want to feel like that every day! I think the inspirational  play list might be the new commute norm. 


I am so grateful for wise, loving, faithful, parents and friends who always help guide me in the right direction. I would be lost without them. They help me find myself when I've lost me.


I've been feeling a lot lately like I'm suppose to be doing something..... something different than I'm doing now. I don't know what it is, I just know this feeling, and that it should be explored. At night I lay in bed and look at my hands and the words "have I done any good in the world today" go through my mind. And today I came to the conclusion that even if the only thing I did was love and take care of the people I love, and teach them the things they need to know and be a good example, then I've done my job. And that's good enough for today. Not everyday is going to be a super hero kind of day, and I know that, and I'm okay with it. 


Yes miracles do happen! 


Love to all ~ A

Where's the Love?

I guess some lessons in life never come easy. Like the one that continually repeats in my life.The one where others are unwillingy to love outside of their blood line. I guess that's a hard one for me to understand becuase that's not the way I was raised. Well I don't know if that's necessarlily the reason, but my mother has always been an example of Christ like love to me. And I guess that's one of the good things I picked up along the way.... and for that I am grateful. I have generally had the ability to love most people, and granted it's easier when I like them , then when I don't. Not saying I'm perfect at it, and there are people I straight out hate! I'm not going to lie and say I am perfect and love everyone perfectly. But I have always been able to love (unconditionally) those in my life like my step children, my in-laws, and non-blood relations as family. But it rarely seems to be returned. And that's just something I don't understand. It causes me great pain and distress. I can only imagine how I would feel about having my boys marry someone who already had children. I would be so excited to have more special children in my life to love. And I would love and accept them as my own and treat them no differently than any other grandkids I might have. This is an example my parents have shown me. They love all of their grandkids equally, and for that I will be eternally grateful! And not just the ones that were born in their blood line, I'm talking even boyfriends and girlfriends kids. ALL accepted.... ALL loved. Love is what makes the world go round. And some poeple think they can't share it equally with everyone. It hurts so much as a mother to have wanted for so long to have a father for my boys. And now that they have one that really loves and cares about them, they can't get that same love and acceptance from his extended family. It is a most painful situation to be in for all of us. But the way I see it is, it's their loss! Just like the boys biological fathers abandoning them. They are the LOSERS! They have NO idea ALL the wonderful joys that will NEVER be theirs. And as long as we have each other, I guess if the other people choose to miss out on our lives, that is THEIR choice. And there's not much I can do about that. It's not my own pain I feel, it's the pain of a son betrayed, and grandsons who knows they are loved less..... That is the painful part. I can handle my own... It's the pain, hurt, suffering, disappointment, and loss of those I love that hurts me in the very core of my heart. Love shouldn't be used to hurt other people. Love is meant for ALL!! To be shared, shown, spread,  and given! In abundance! That's something I try to do. Love is the ONLY thing that has gotten me this far, it's the only thing that's gotten any of us this far.... This really sucky lesson that I'm learning AGAIN, is only going to help me love more! And as painful and as crappy as this is, I can choose to make good out of it. I can choose to love more freely, more Christ like, more daily, more humbly. And at least for that, it can help me become a better person. And who knows how it might help someone else along the way. If I can love and try to be an instrument in His hands, then I think that's a good thing. 
Hard lesson = Better me. 


Love to all ~ A

Feeling

Where to start......

I am a recovering addict. I am addicted to food, more specifically sugar, even more specifically Mt. Dew. I literally could live on it, and it alone! I know it's terrible, and I've attempted many times to kick the habit and have had long years of success. Only to return to it when I just couldn't cope anymore. I recently started asking myself, what does Mt. Dew "do" for me? To be completely honest, it numbs me. It is a DRUG to me. I don't want to be an addict anymore, I see & more importantly FEEL the long term effects this is having on my health. And I choose health over numb. Day one off Mt. Dew today, and as usual I'm a bit unstable, like an alcoholic detoxing. Emotional roller coasters are not the kind of roller coasters I like to ride. Nonetheless I am choosing this ride. I can't keep drowning every feeling I have. What are so scary about feelings anyway? Aren't feelings suppose to be felt? Hence the word, feeling.... Somewhere along the line I decided that feelings are bad and must be avoided. A funny thought came across my mind the other day, I thought I wonder what it's like to have a feeling and REALLY feel it. Let it be what it is, then let it take me to whatever emotion or situation it may, and then be done with it. I'm pretty sure that's what normal people do..... right? I can say that I've never made a habit out of this practice. For me emotions are stuffed, shoved, pushed, hid, buried, and catapulted away! Somewhere I don't have to feel them. Sometimes a lot of them spill over uncontrollably and nobody in my life likes me very much, hell I don't even like myself. And this week has been one of those times. When thoughts of suicide cross my mind, I know it's time to re-group. When I say thoughts of suicide I mean my mind is desperately searching for a way to end the pain and suffering. Not as in I'm suicidal. There's a major difference, so don't worry. I am not suicidal! I love my life, my husband, my kids, and my friends. I just don't love myself so much right now. And I feel like I'm going crazy trying over and over to get out of this mental labyrinth I feel like I'm constantly lost in. I guess I can only take so much before I turn on myself and force a change.  I've tried a few experiments over the last few days, and let myself feel my feelings about some things. I have to say it's rather uncomfortable and I feel very vulnerable. But I survived .

I get a kick out of my perspective some days, and I'm grateful that I have  a more realistic perspective about a lot of things than a lot of people do. I went to a running store to pick up a half marathon race packet today. ( a race I registered for but didn't train for) So in the end I ended up with a shirt that says I ran a race that I didn't, all for the bargain price of $40.00! Blech! So back to the perspective, I found it amusing as most of the women in the store looked at me and passed judgement on me. When honestly some of them suffer from an eating disorder (opposite of mine) and are so caught up in being skinny and perfect and fake, to even realize what the important things in life are! Not saying all, just some. I realize there are healthy, well rounded people out there. They're just few and far between. And someday I hope to be one of them. Someone who loves herself as much as everyone else in her life, and STILL remembers what is important.

Love to all ~ A

Heart & Mind

I've thought long and hard about starting another blog. I've thought about what I want to write, and how I'd like to write it. I am going to try really hard to keep this in first person, and not write in third person, in  hopes that I relate it more directly to myself instead of detaching things, from myself.  So here goes...

It's been  a rough week for me, I don't know why I've been affected the way I have of news of two deaths of loved ones of people I know, but I have, and very deeply at that. An old friend of mine lost her 3 1/2  yr old little boy last week. I don't know how one deals with that, I don't know that I could. We were best friends for many years and at one time in my life we were sister-in-laws. I haven't seen her in over 6 years and I never met this little boy of hers. But the news hit me like a ton of bricks! It really put me into a funk for days. I just can't even imagine... It makes me think of how precious life is and that we all have a time to go, and we don't get to decide when that is. I pray that I never have to bury any of my babies... 

Another very dear friend of mine lost his wife yesterday after a very long battle with cancer. I also never met her, which is why I guess it's a little strange to me why I'm so emotional over the news of both of them passing? The only thing I can figure is because of my deep love for these friends. I grieve for them and for their loss. And not necessarily the person who is actually gone. It's a helpless feeling knowing someone is hurting so deeply and there's nothing you can do to make it better. It's one I've come across more times in my life than I care for. I guess for me, being a person who likes the false perception of control, these types of things in life throw me into a tail spin. I am getting better though, I have learned (and  not always willingly) to let go. Sometimes there is no other choice when it is more painful to fight a losing battle then to just put up my white flag, and hope that I can in someway take something away from my experience. 

I've been thinking a lot lately of what it is I think is the "right way" for a lot of things in my life. But I also have been questioning where the origin of these "ideals" have come from. Why I get so sucked in to negative thinking and feeling inadequate in most areas of my life. Who's standard am I trying to live up to anyway? And where did they come from? I have all these thoughts in my head, I'm not a good enough mom, I'm not a good enough wife, I'm not a good enough, daughter, sister, friend.... The only person who says I'm not good enough is ME.  How is it that everyone in my life can tell me how great I am, but I don't believe it? Why isn't my good, good enough for me? Why do I continue to look at what I haven't done, what I didn't say, what I didn't do... Does everyone do that? I know I'm not the only one, I just wonder just how common that is. Not that it matters, maybe I just want to feel like I'm no the only one who feels like a crazy person lives inside my head. Sometimes I catch myself (my crazy self) saying something inside my head and I stop and say "who is that"? That's not me, that's not who I want to be... where did I go? I'm almost 34 and I still don't feel like I have anything figured out. But at least I'm trying.... I guess. 

Balance is a BIG thing I'm wrestling with these days... It is my nemesis. These are the things I have to balance: Work, house, yard, kids, dogs, husband, family, friends, church, and me. I didn't necessarily put these in order of importance, but I am usually always the last on my own list. I realize that most moms are, and I'm not saying  I have it any different then everyone else out there. I also realize that it's my own willing sacrifice for my family, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My only issue is when I try to adjust the balance to make more time for me, I end up feeling SO guilty about the extra time away from everything else, it eats at me. And I think I have it better than a lot of moms do out there because I have a willing husband who picks up the slack without ever complaining. Which also eats at me, not the not complaining part, just him picking up my slack. Which brings me back to the false ideal of I have to do it all. I get caught up of how I used to be and what I used to do, (back when I could do everything and I didn't need anybody)  but I'm NOT WHO I USED TO BE! And I am so glad that I'm not. 

My journey has made me who I am, the path has been long and hard and I know by no means is it even close to over! I just want to find a way to enjoy the journey, and KNOW, and BELIEVE that my best is good enough. I want to be better in every way, and know that I'm okay just the way I am! Now that's not such a tall order is it? 

Love to all ~ A