While I was driving home tonight, I was trying to think of what phrase would best explain my life right now, and this is what popped into my head. I have to admit I laughed, obviously there's some part of me that is right on the money!
And I love how it says "we're" as in my multiple personalities. LOL
And I love how it says "we're" as in my multiple personalities. LOL
While searching for this photo, I also found this one which is totally applicable too. :0)
My mind is a mess right now. Trying to make changes always brings messes, and messes bring stress, and stress makes it near impossible to change! It's a vicious cycle... Being an emotional eater is a bitch to kick! I don't even know how to deal with stress without food (sugar). The last time I was at my ideal weight was 11 years ago when I was a smoker, and obviously smoking, instead of eating. Pick your poison eh? I must have missed that key developmental phase where you learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. I have to admit the odds were against me from the beginning, but I'm not giving up on myself yet. I have the desire, and the will power, I think... the knowledge is there, so what is it that I'm missing? There's this trigger inside of me when "stress" (what ever it may be) causes me to throw out any commitment, will power, goal, or plan I have. It's stupid! It's like a brain override. Once my stress hits a certain level something else takes over, just long enough to do it's damage and leave me in the dumps feeling like a failure. :0(
How to I remove the switch, so I have control over me again? How do I learn to cope? I'm on the verge of crying every damn day when I don't medicate with food. And I don't know what to do with my emotions, so they all build up and I self destruct. And that isn't going to work! I will try anything that might really work! Okay, almost anything. I'm talking in a not self medicating way.
"A healthy emotional well being "
I've been playing with the idea of medication to help with my obsessive thinking, but I can't bring myself to put chemicals in my body when it's something, I feel, can be fixed without them. I just don't know how. I know it's the easy way out and I don't really want to take it. But for my sanity and the well being of everyone around me, it's still on the table. :P
Can I train my brain to think a different way? Or am I wired to be the way I am? Can I train my emotions too? If so, do I have what it takes to do it? This journey is a hard one, I know I am here to do hard things and have trials. Everyone is. We're not here for it to be easy. That is one thing I learned this past year. Now that I realize that, I can at least deal with it head on. It's suppose to be hard. It wouldn't be a test if it wasn't. Right? But this whole mastering my emotions and thoughts is really, really, really, really, hard! And I haven't figured it out yet. And that is super frustrating to me. Especially because I feel that I have a lot of knowledge that could help me do it.
Knowing and doing are two entirely different things...
As I explained to my friend (D) the other day. I'm a broken record with that needle that just keeps skipping back to the same spot over and over and over again. I need to figure out how to pick up the needle and move it to the next line so I can move forward.
I tend to feel guilty when I blog and I'm complaining and whining about being stuck in my own head. Only because I have so much that I am grateful for. I really do have an amazing life, outside of my own head. I have the best family and friends anyone could ask for, and I'm blessed beyond measure in every way! And I know that. I can't imagine how much harder this battle would be for me if I didn't have all the good wonderful things in my life too. I'll take the good with the bad and try to make the "bad", better. At least the stuff I have control over, and the stuff I don't...... well that's something I'm still working on.
Life is Good
Some days it's frustrating
Taking time for myself is hard to do, but I'm worth it
Life is what I make it,
and some days I don't know what the hell I'm making
I know that most things in life don't really matter (eternally)
The only person who gets in my way is me
I know that someday I will "get it"
I hope it's soon.....
Love to all ~ A
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