Where to start.....?
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
I have so much pent up emotion, I don't know what to do with it anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like a crazy person, going the rounds with the same emotions and issues in my head, day after day, after day! I seriously wonder if everyone deals with this? Or if I really am one of the "crazies"? Why is it so hard to get out of my own head? Maybe I have an obsessive thought disorder? Is there such a thing? Do they make a pill for it? Because I am seriously done! I feel like I'm on the brink of an emotional eruption and I'm going to bust into tears at any moment, and that's not me. I hate crying! The only thing I hate worse than crying is puking! So that tells you how much I NO like it. I'm not the kind of person who can have a cry and come out of it with a little giggle, smile, and sigh of relief. No, I am the full on, bawl my head off, sound like a howling wolf, cough until I almost puke, pop the capillaries in my face, eyes swollen shut and rubbed raw kind of crier. Hence.... why I don't go there. :P I feel it in my throat right now, but I will fight it to the death! It never really makes me feel better anyway..... All I end up with is a headache, an emotional hangover and a face that matches. Does crying make anyone really feel better....?
Any who.... there is something deep down in the underwriting of my brain that says feeling is bad. And I guess to some degree consciously I believe that. Feelings for the most part in my life have been painful and not ones I want to feel. So I avoid them, which is the reason why I am where I am. But I don't know how to change it.... Strange to be in a position where logically I know what the problem is and emotionally stuck to do anything about it. I was thinking about this on the way home from work today. I was thinking about all the books I've read on how to be better, change, heal, move on, etc etc etc. So, if I've read all of these books I should be fixed right? Yeah, that's what I thought.... WTHeck? Where is the disconnect? Because logically and educationally I should be a marriage and family expert with the body of a personal trainer! If it were only that easy... And so now I'm on this kick of, who says there's anything wrong with me? Why can't I just BE ME!? Why do I need all of these books to tell me who, and how I'm "suppose" to be? I'm SO tired of trying to fix myself...... I think that may be what is driving me crazy! Maybe, just maybe me trying to fix something that isn't broken is the problem. Now there's some food for thought.....
Nah, I know I'm broken..... Ha ha ha ha. And the only reason I know that is because I'm not happy. Lately I've had a few happy days and this has given me hope for the future. I honestly thought my days of personal happiness might be long gone. I love how I totally try to bullshit myself in the above paragraphs though. Pretty convincing eh?
How to be me......AND be happy... Hmmmmmmm, now there's the real question. How do I be me, and do the things I need to do for myself, and be happy? How do I figure out how to let myself feel my feelings? It's like trying to convince a kid who hates to eat broccoli to eat it, and love it! I just don't see it happening, just imagine trying to force feed a kid broccoli..... see? Not so bueno.... Maybe I'm going to have to find an alternative solution, like putting broccoli in a fruit smoothie. All the benefits of broccoli without even knowing it. Camouflaged by the deliciousness of fruit, so you don't even know it's there. (and just for the record I love broccoli ;0) How do I find an alternative way of actually feeling and dealing with the emotions that I don't want to have anything to do with?
Somedays I wonder if I'll ever get to the place (figuratively) that I want to be? Will my head, shoulders, neck, stomach and heartaches ever go away? The more I go though life the more I wonder. The way I see it is I've been at it a lot longer than most people my age and I still have no idea what I'm doing. Obviously what I'm doing isn't working. And I feel like every time I try to live in the moment, and feel my feelings, shit happens! It's like I've lived in a cave for the last 30 years and I step out into the sunlight and it's all too much for me to deal with, and I get burned.
I don't like it!
Feelings...... }:0|
Love to all ~ A
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