Feeling

Where to start......

I am a recovering addict. I am addicted to food, more specifically sugar, even more specifically Mt. Dew. I literally could live on it, and it alone! I know it's terrible, and I've attempted many times to kick the habit and have had long years of success. Only to return to it when I just couldn't cope anymore. I recently started asking myself, what does Mt. Dew "do" for me? To be completely honest, it numbs me. It is a DRUG to me. I don't want to be an addict anymore, I see & more importantly FEEL the long term effects this is having on my health. And I choose health over numb. Day one off Mt. Dew today, and as usual I'm a bit unstable, like an alcoholic detoxing. Emotional roller coasters are not the kind of roller coasters I like to ride. Nonetheless I am choosing this ride. I can't keep drowning every feeling I have. What are so scary about feelings anyway? Aren't feelings suppose to be felt? Hence the word, feeling.... Somewhere along the line I decided that feelings are bad and must be avoided. A funny thought came across my mind the other day, I thought I wonder what it's like to have a feeling and REALLY feel it. Let it be what it is, then let it take me to whatever emotion or situation it may, and then be done with it. I'm pretty sure that's what normal people do..... right? I can say that I've never made a habit out of this practice. For me emotions are stuffed, shoved, pushed, hid, buried, and catapulted away! Somewhere I don't have to feel them. Sometimes a lot of them spill over uncontrollably and nobody in my life likes me very much, hell I don't even like myself. And this week has been one of those times. When thoughts of suicide cross my mind, I know it's time to re-group. When I say thoughts of suicide I mean my mind is desperately searching for a way to end the pain and suffering. Not as in I'm suicidal. There's a major difference, so don't worry. I am not suicidal! I love my life, my husband, my kids, and my friends. I just don't love myself so much right now. And I feel like I'm going crazy trying over and over to get out of this mental labyrinth I feel like I'm constantly lost in. I guess I can only take so much before I turn on myself and force a change.  I've tried a few experiments over the last few days, and let myself feel my feelings about some things. I have to say it's rather uncomfortable and I feel very vulnerable. But I survived .

I get a kick out of my perspective some days, and I'm grateful that I have  a more realistic perspective about a lot of things than a lot of people do. I went to a running store to pick up a half marathon race packet today. ( a race I registered for but didn't train for) So in the end I ended up with a shirt that says I ran a race that I didn't, all for the bargain price of $40.00! Blech! So back to the perspective, I found it amusing as most of the women in the store looked at me and passed judgement on me. When honestly some of them suffer from an eating disorder (opposite of mine) and are so caught up in being skinny and perfect and fake, to even realize what the important things in life are! Not saying all, just some. I realize there are healthy, well rounded people out there. They're just few and far between. And someday I hope to be one of them. Someone who loves herself as much as everyone else in her life, and STILL remembers what is important.

Love to all ~ A